a little disappointed...

so for a little while i was thinking i that i may be pregnant but the test came back negative. At first i was really worried because i didn't think josh and i were ready but the more i thought about it the more i liked the idea. i guess the good thing about it is that i guess we can try in the future and it wasn't a one shot thing. we still have time to grow as a couple and get things secure and then we can have kids, besides i have a ton of little kids i can keep, and give back when they cry. that's it for now!

hummm.....

i'm bored out of my mind, i can't sleep and i really don't feel that great! i keep debating what career path i'll choose and if it will be the right one. i debate on if i have made the right decisions up until now and i wonder what life would have been like had i chosen something different. i know what my perfect job would be but i don't know if it would be successful and i defiantly don't have the support i had hoped for. i really don't have much support for anything these day. I guess one reason i kept thinking i was pregnant was because i wanted a reason to exist, someone who needed me. i don't really know what to think now, all i know is that i just have to keep moving forward, acting, just like the rest of my life, like nothing is bothering me! one day my life will turn out like a fairy tale, all my dreams will come true, but for now it's just the beginning.

hormones or dreams

okay, i've been feeling really off lately. i feel like i'm going to throw up every night, i'm always tired, and i even have cramps. i really thought for a moment that i may be pregnant. at first i was a little worried and didn't know how i really felt about it, but then i became okay with it. I took a test and it was negative, but i don't know if it is all in my head but i really just feel in my heart that i am. i have an appointment in two weeks so i will really find out! i think i may be disappointed if i'm not! i guess it's all in time though.